Music, it is one of the best creation of humankind that is very sensational to everyone from generations to generations in the world. I have the passion for Music. Indeed , who does not have, right? Call me weird or strange but my kind of music is made up from countries not within this region.
I was first introduced to World Music from my best friends who are currently working in New York and London. They showed me the passion of Salsa and Merengue and for seven years, I was intrigued by the sensational steps of Salsa and Rythm. This further encouraged me on a hunt for all the best of Salsa songs from La Sanora Carusseles, Marc Anthony, Celia Cruz, Victor Manuelle, Tito Puente and many more. The beautiful beats of the percussion, saxophone and latin beats mesmerized me from then and I was further fascinated by the great combination of Salsa and Arabic songs from Gypsy King and Alabina, Cheb Mami and Yuri Buenaventura, Amr Diab, Nawal Al Zoughby, Sameera Said and many countless more.
The addiction to listening and dancing to these rythms from the Mediterranean and Latin continents have made me a better person and strong. I learnt Salsa Dances (though I am still a beginner in it) and I began to love Spanish Language and I have yet to take up some courses on it. There is one thing about the Spanish and Arab communities when it comes to entertainment, they really know how to entertain themselves exotically with their songs. I have yet to see belly dancers in Turkey and Egypt though I have seen some local renditions of it in Singapore. It is not about the perversion of looking at sexy femal dancers wriggling their belly buttons but it is about how they dance passionately to the Arabic Songs.
It will be thrilling for me, indeed.
Not forgetting, I love Salsa Movies too. I kind of having limited experiences in viewing Salsa movies. Some of the movies that I have watched are, " Dance With Me, Dirty Dancing 1 and 2" and Mambo Kings. There are superb and inspirational.
Oh well, it is funny to know that I do not understand a single word of these songs but you do not need to know the meaning of the language. It is music? The rythms and beats are the definitions of the passion.
Check out some of the best clips I love for Salsa and Arabic songs below from Youtube,
Yuri Buenaventura
La Sonoro Caruselles
Nawal Al Zoughby
Sameera Said and Cheb Mami
Salsa Salsa , Latinas and Latinos. Muchas Gracias, Ya Habibie and Ya Habibtie!
Friday, January 26, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
I Love Annie
Oh my..I did not know that I am such a fickel minded person for all this while that when love does come by, I tend to be hysterical about it. Yes, my relationship with Annie is still new. In fact, it has only been a week and a half since we have become one. I have known her for three months now but has that made me questioned myself whether I am truly in love or not?
Ever since then, I have realized that not all relationships are supposedly to be based on love alone. To me, it is more on the other party's willingness to love me more than I do for her. Ok, what I mean here is, I may be unsure of things lately but I am confident that I have fallen for her thoroughly. I am now admitting to the whole world that I am truly in LOVE with Annie. No doubt about it. I have seen couples going through relationship for many years and love is just so strong for them to deny it. I have even a male friend whom have dated this ex-girlfriend of his for three years but all efforts went into the drain eventually. They broke off.
The problem about the word "Love" is that it always entices me to look for it more in a person. Yes, I love Annie but what I meant previously was that I did the wrong thing by comparing my young relationship with Annie to others. Well, of course, let us be honest in this. No relationships are bigger than any others. People may tend to think that I am just forcing myself to love her but no, this is a personal thing from my heart. She has been the best lady in my life caring my life always with things, no other ladies, I have known in my life, will ever do. Trust me, she is even better than my ex-fiance. I can truly and sincerely mention that always.
The question here is...how long do you need to know the person to even think of whether you are in love with him or her? Should there be a period? Should there be even an effort to know? No...it is all natural. I cannot sleep without first talking to Annie. I cannot concentrate or focus on my lessons or studying without her giving me a kiss and blessing me. I cannot pursue other things without Annie in this world. She accepted me for what I am. She adores me and do not care whether I am now underpaid since I am still a trainee. She bought me things that will be of use for me. She is losing weight for herself and me. Imagine that? A lady who loves me who is willing to do everything or even throw away everything to love me? I love her so much. Indeed. This is the one for me. She is Mrs Max. She will be sought by me always and I am praying to Allah that we will be reunited in a wedlock in future. Time will make us stronger every second.
Well, I have begun to realize that I do not need time to wonder on my true feelings of love for her. I have already felt it and I am glad I am seriously crazy with her. God has answered my challenge. That is, when I asked God on whether God can give me love from a lady. Indeed, God is the Almighty in finding the right person for me. Alhamdulilah. Praises to Allah.
Maybe it is not the right time for me to marry her yet. I still need more time to know her. However, if I were to marry anyone, it will be her. Why? The reason is...I LOVE HER.
With blessings from Allah, this will definitely end in a wedlock one day. It is a matter of time.
Ever since then, I have realized that not all relationships are supposedly to be based on love alone. To me, it is more on the other party's willingness to love me more than I do for her. Ok, what I mean here is, I may be unsure of things lately but I am confident that I have fallen for her thoroughly. I am now admitting to the whole world that I am truly in LOVE with Annie. No doubt about it. I have seen couples going through relationship for many years and love is just so strong for them to deny it. I have even a male friend whom have dated this ex-girlfriend of his for three years but all efforts went into the drain eventually. They broke off.
The problem about the word "Love" is that it always entices me to look for it more in a person. Yes, I love Annie but what I meant previously was that I did the wrong thing by comparing my young relationship with Annie to others. Well, of course, let us be honest in this. No relationships are bigger than any others. People may tend to think that I am just forcing myself to love her but no, this is a personal thing from my heart. She has been the best lady in my life caring my life always with things, no other ladies, I have known in my life, will ever do. Trust me, she is even better than my ex-fiance. I can truly and sincerely mention that always.
The question here is...how long do you need to know the person to even think of whether you are in love with him or her? Should there be a period? Should there be even an effort to know? No...it is all natural. I cannot sleep without first talking to Annie. I cannot concentrate or focus on my lessons or studying without her giving me a kiss and blessing me. I cannot pursue other things without Annie in this world. She accepted me for what I am. She adores me and do not care whether I am now underpaid since I am still a trainee. She bought me things that will be of use for me. She is losing weight for herself and me. Imagine that? A lady who loves me who is willing to do everything or even throw away everything to love me? I love her so much. Indeed. This is the one for me. She is Mrs Max. She will be sought by me always and I am praying to Allah that we will be reunited in a wedlock in future. Time will make us stronger every second.
Well, I have begun to realize that I do not need time to wonder on my true feelings of love for her. I have already felt it and I am glad I am seriously crazy with her. God has answered my challenge. That is, when I asked God on whether God can give me love from a lady. Indeed, God is the Almighty in finding the right person for me. Alhamdulilah. Praises to Allah.
Maybe it is not the right time for me to marry her yet. I still need more time to know her. However, if I were to marry anyone, it will be her. Why? The reason is...I LOVE HER.
With blessings from Allah, this will definitely end in a wedlock one day. It is a matter of time.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Questionable Love?
Have you ever wondered whether your love relationship with your partner is greater than others? Have you ever compared it to other couples and wondered your relationship is better or at least the same as theirs? Apparently, maybe not. Somehow or rather these questions struck my mind last night when I met Frodo and his new girlfriend in town.
In fact this is the insanely crazy part of Frodo, which I am amazed at times. He wants me to meet his girlfriend still after all his other friends had seen and known her. Perhaps this is the brotherly stuffs that all close brothers, want to do,especially when they are in love. To let their closes brothers meet their girlfriends and be happy for them. Indeed, I am. I am proud to say that I encourage Frodo to go ahead with this relationship when I sense that he is attracted to her. Of course, I will. He has never had a real girlfriend in his life before and looking at that situation at that particular time, it seems the right thing to do.
I was glad that it worked out pretty well between Nat (his girlfriend) and Frodo. They are now so much in love. Oh my, young love. They are so adorable together and seeing them together yesterday and getting to know the girl who makes the difference in Frodo's life makes me so happy. Nat talked to me and without a doubt we clicked. When Nat left the place on her bike (she's a biker), I told Frodo, that she is in love deeply with him and vice versa and he should be focus from now on to ensure that this dreamland of boy and girl relationship will turn into something concrete in time. One advice I gave him after that is this. Loving a woman is a feeling whereby it will complete you as a man in due time. Loving is not enough to prolong the relationship. It is stability in the end. He seems to take my advice seriously and I believe Frodo will find a job in 6 months time when he completed his National Service.
Well, one thing at a time though. Before I mentioned this, let me assure you that I am happy with Frodo and his girlfriend but...I am pretty sad about it when I compared it with my relationship with my girlfriend. Everything was perfect yesterday. We met, kissed, cuddled,embraced each other's warmth (I was so cold in the theater yesterday watching Apocalypto!) and was very intimately in love. However, is that enough? Do I have something like what others have? Is the feeling concrete? Is this real or it is just in the making? Do I need more time? SPG told me two days ago that I will have to wait a little more time than just a year or so before I can think of going to the next step. I guess we both always had this curse of doubting our partners in life since then. Maybe it is just me. I even joked with her that if she were to ever marry or elope, she have to invite me for the wedding as I will like to witness the breaking of the curse that she had for all this time. Oh my, only Allah knows.
I do not know whether my love for Annie is pure and great as what Frodo has with Nat or even as SPG with Genie or even as other couples that I have known in my life. This feelings that I have right now with her is being tested again from now and than. It saddens me when I have to go through many obstacles to meet the right one for me. It saddens me when I have to ensure my love for her is genuine too. I guess it will take time.
Loving a woman is not only a matter of saying " I love you." or "Yo Tequeiro" to one another. It has to be sincere and it has to be something whereby you can prove it. I know I love her but I do not know whether it is as pure as what Frodo and others has with their girlfriends. It is questionable for Max Muchacho......O Allah, please guide me.
In fact this is the insanely crazy part of Frodo, which I am amazed at times. He wants me to meet his girlfriend still after all his other friends had seen and known her. Perhaps this is the brotherly stuffs that all close brothers, want to do,especially when they are in love. To let their closes brothers meet their girlfriends and be happy for them. Indeed, I am. I am proud to say that I encourage Frodo to go ahead with this relationship when I sense that he is attracted to her. Of course, I will. He has never had a real girlfriend in his life before and looking at that situation at that particular time, it seems the right thing to do.
I was glad that it worked out pretty well between Nat (his girlfriend) and Frodo. They are now so much in love. Oh my, young love. They are so adorable together and seeing them together yesterday and getting to know the girl who makes the difference in Frodo's life makes me so happy. Nat talked to me and without a doubt we clicked. When Nat left the place on her bike (she's a biker), I told Frodo, that she is in love deeply with him and vice versa and he should be focus from now on to ensure that this dreamland of boy and girl relationship will turn into something concrete in time. One advice I gave him after that is this. Loving a woman is a feeling whereby it will complete you as a man in due time. Loving is not enough to prolong the relationship. It is stability in the end. He seems to take my advice seriously and I believe Frodo will find a job in 6 months time when he completed his National Service.
Well, one thing at a time though. Before I mentioned this, let me assure you that I am happy with Frodo and his girlfriend but...I am pretty sad about it when I compared it with my relationship with my girlfriend. Everything was perfect yesterday. We met, kissed, cuddled,embraced each other's warmth (I was so cold in the theater yesterday watching Apocalypto!) and was very intimately in love. However, is that enough? Do I have something like what others have? Is the feeling concrete? Is this real or it is just in the making? Do I need more time? SPG told me two days ago that I will have to wait a little more time than just a year or so before I can think of going to the next step. I guess we both always had this curse of doubting our partners in life since then. Maybe it is just me. I even joked with her that if she were to ever marry or elope, she have to invite me for the wedding as I will like to witness the breaking of the curse that she had for all this time. Oh my, only Allah knows.
I do not know whether my love for Annie is pure and great as what Frodo has with Nat or even as SPG with Genie or even as other couples that I have known in my life. This feelings that I have right now with her is being tested again from now and than. It saddens me when I have to go through many obstacles to meet the right one for me. It saddens me when I have to ensure my love for her is genuine too. I guess it will take time.
Loving a woman is not only a matter of saying " I love you." or "Yo Tequeiro" to one another. It has to be sincere and it has to be something whereby you can prove it. I know I love her but I do not know whether it is as pure as what Frodo and others has with their girlfriends. It is questionable for Max Muchacho......O Allah, please guide me.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Love and What is Next?
Oh well..I am in love..finally. There are so many things that you can venture when you are in love with a woman. Sometimes, I wonder what they are when I am single. However, this proves that, it has been so long since I have a real girlfriend in life.
Many friends have adviced me on why do I have to lead a life full of emptiness and confusion though I have been very happy with what I have got in life. Let's do a simple review on how the life of Max Muchacho used to be before I meet Anne.
I was a very sociable person. I did salsa once and party always with my buddies for almost 7 years of my life since I completed my National Service. The people that I met can be either excruciating or exciting. The lovers that I met are either going astray or rather painful especially when I knew that the relationship cannot blossom further for the rest of my life. I worked hard, travelled hard, made numerous friends, listen and enjoyed the very best of music which are beyond my wildest dreams when I was a child and I did the normal routine things that any Singaporean will do on normal days, which is, shopping and watching movies.
On the other hand, when I think of it, I kind of have a fulfilled life with the love I get from families and friends. I was quite contented with everything but there are two things in life that I hate to face annually. That should be Hari Raya and my Birthday. As I had mentioned before, I was happy but I was aimless. I had no girlfriends but many platonic relationship with ladies from all around. I began to realize that something is missing in life. This is further mentioned by my young niece who is around 8 years old by now. She told me during Eid last year something that shook my head all around. She asked me why I did not have a girlfriend and why I am not interested in getting a wife. Amazing isn't it? Children nowadays are so brilliant that they sometimes seems to know what is best for their older families. I always believed in that. I told her that my girlfriend is around and it is just that she is waiting for me somewhere. I guessed you will know what is her next question after that. She asked me why didn't she come and visit me. And the list goes on for a kid who is always inquisitive and curious for something they do not understand yet.
When I met Anne, the world seems brighter to me. She lighted up my life. I felt my fire burning and my life reborn into a world of many thrills and adventure. I do not know what or how this comes about but I guess this is what love is all about. It comes in the strangest manner to anyone. Our relationship is still in its premature stage but I can assure you, we will surpass the maturity stage at any time. We still have to find out more things about each other and keep on figuring out on our characters and credentials before any new things may happen. Any relationship will take time to blossom. I have to take more time on this.
However, we shall see how it goes. InsyaAllah
Many friends have adviced me on why do I have to lead a life full of emptiness and confusion though I have been very happy with what I have got in life. Let's do a simple review on how the life of Max Muchacho used to be before I meet Anne.
I was a very sociable person. I did salsa once and party always with my buddies for almost 7 years of my life since I completed my National Service. The people that I met can be either excruciating or exciting. The lovers that I met are either going astray or rather painful especially when I knew that the relationship cannot blossom further for the rest of my life. I worked hard, travelled hard, made numerous friends, listen and enjoyed the very best of music which are beyond my wildest dreams when I was a child and I did the normal routine things that any Singaporean will do on normal days, which is, shopping and watching movies.
On the other hand, when I think of it, I kind of have a fulfilled life with the love I get from families and friends. I was quite contented with everything but there are two things in life that I hate to face annually. That should be Hari Raya and my Birthday. As I had mentioned before, I was happy but I was aimless. I had no girlfriends but many platonic relationship with ladies from all around. I began to realize that something is missing in life. This is further mentioned by my young niece who is around 8 years old by now. She told me during Eid last year something that shook my head all around. She asked me why I did not have a girlfriend and why I am not interested in getting a wife. Amazing isn't it? Children nowadays are so brilliant that they sometimes seems to know what is best for their older families. I always believed in that. I told her that my girlfriend is around and it is just that she is waiting for me somewhere. I guessed you will know what is her next question after that. She asked me why didn't she come and visit me. And the list goes on for a kid who is always inquisitive and curious for something they do not understand yet.
When I met Anne, the world seems brighter to me. She lighted up my life. I felt my fire burning and my life reborn into a world of many thrills and adventure. I do not know what or how this comes about but I guess this is what love is all about. It comes in the strangest manner to anyone. Our relationship is still in its premature stage but I can assure you, we will surpass the maturity stage at any time. We still have to find out more things about each other and keep on figuring out on our characters and credentials before any new things may happen. Any relationship will take time to blossom. I have to take more time on this.
However, we shall see how it goes. InsyaAllah
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Keranamu Kekasih..For you, my love..
Dear Love,
You are forever the meaning of my life. This time I have been waiting for so long. Only your touch settle my misses. Love, this is where I am giving it to you, my soul, my devotion and my dedication. My Love is for you always for the sake of being together with you on your soul, just for you...
The brightness of light coming from your eyes are just like the beauty of your feelings. I know we will sure meet always, meeting eyes to eyes, eradicating my longing for you.
Love, this is where I tell you...my love, my soul and my affections to you. My love is for you so as to be together, in front of you, love and this is for you.
Love, this is where I will make our curse to end. Our gift from God to meet. Darling, for you, I will unite it. The misses and the loving. The longing for love, we will solemnly...uphold the blessings given from Allah..forever...May Allah bless us together....
From your love, Max Muchacho
P.S Yes...i met Mrs Max...YES! Alhamdulilah..
You are forever the meaning of my life. This time I have been waiting for so long. Only your touch settle my misses. Love, this is where I am giving it to you, my soul, my devotion and my dedication. My Love is for you always for the sake of being together with you on your soul, just for you...
The brightness of light coming from your eyes are just like the beauty of your feelings. I know we will sure meet always, meeting eyes to eyes, eradicating my longing for you.
Love, this is where I tell you...my love, my soul and my affections to you. My love is for you so as to be together, in front of you, love and this is for you.
Love, this is where I will make our curse to end. Our gift from God to meet. Darling, for you, I will unite it. The misses and the loving. The longing for love, we will solemnly...uphold the blessings given from Allah..forever...May Allah bless us together....
From your love, Max Muchacho
P.S Yes...i met Mrs Max...YES! Alhamdulilah..
Friday, January 12, 2007
The Invitation Of Love
I have nearly 13 more hours to go before I make my final decision to end my bachelorhood. Yes, I have decided to do something to end my misery. I had finally realized how much I am in love with Anne.
Tommorow will be the day I am going to ask her to move on with me on another level of relationship. I am confident this will happen well but still, I am nervous but I will pray for the best. The problem was actually about her. The solution is actually her. Oh my...May Allah help me in the acceptance by her of me being her boyfriend.
Ok I shall not talk more in this. We will see how it goes tommorow. Wish me luck
Tommorow will be the day I am going to ask her to move on with me on another level of relationship. I am confident this will happen well but still, I am nervous but I will pray for the best. The problem was actually about her. The solution is actually her. Oh my...May Allah help me in the acceptance by her of me being her boyfriend.
Ok I shall not talk more in this. We will see how it goes tommorow. Wish me luck
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Di Puncak Tertinggi - At The Highest Peak
I was listening to the Puteri Gunung Ledang Musical CD song, known as "Di Puncak Tertinggi - At The Highest Peak" and I am very much hypnotized by it as it covers some mystical Javanese Traditional Rythms. Why do I do this now? Actually, I have gone through a state of depression for this past one week. Why is that so? I shall tell you later part in the blog.
Before I start my sad story, I will introduce some lyrics from the song. Parts of the Lyrics Chorus, mentioned these beautiful word. They are as follows :
----------------------------------------------------------------
Mata Temu Mata
Berguguran Bicara
Kata demi kata
Merubah tutur jadi rasa
Hanya Keasyikan pada kewujudannya
NAfas dan nadi bak terhenti
Petermuan ini kian terasa bagai bererti...
---
---
Tak Pernah kurasa
Sentuhan luar biasa
bagai dalam mimpi
atau seakan telah terjadi
aku yang terpisah
kembali bersatu jiwa
bagai telah diijabkabulkan
pertemuan ini
apakah berakhir di syurga....
which means,
When eyes meet the eyes
It devastates the conversation,
Word after words,
change the conversation to feelings,
Only Concentration to her presence,
Breathing and nerves never stopped running
The meeting is beginning to be of some meaning...
----
----
Never have I felt
The mysterious touch
its like a dream
or has it happened already
I am the one that was separated
coming back united in one soul together
its like being married
This meeting, will it end in heaven?
----------------------------------------------------------------
What lovely words, I may say always. These are the words of those who are in love. Yes, and that is the thing that is bugging me now. The story started after I met a very patient, sincere and beautiful lady known as Anne. She opens up my heart which was concealed for a long time ever since I broke off my engagement three years ago.
I met her through online. Yes, I know some of you do not believe in internet dating but hey, love comes in a mysterious manners. It has finally arrived in the electronic world for me. I give it a shot. I met her. I went on for two dates after knowing her for about two months. All is fine but there is this dark secret within me that fear commitment after all these time. The thought of not making through to marriage strikes worries in my heart. Questions like, " is she the one? , is she going to be my wife? , does she love me truly? , will she wait for me? and the best....do I love her that much to be her husband? ".
It was hell...The outcome made me into a person with insomnia. I cannot sleep at night. I stayed awake throught the night and kept thinking and searching my feelings thoroughly. I have to settle this quickly before I jump into this relationship. The best thing about her is that she is very patient with me. She spend my birthday by treating me to a birthday dinner treat and gave me a present. It was so nice of her. All was well.
New Year's eve arrived. Frodo's got a girlfriend on this day and it was a whole new world for him. He is deeply in love with the girlfriend. The funny thing about this is that I got to know Anne roughly during the same period as Frodo and if I were to go on with Anne, it will be a dream come true. Both brothers getting girlfriends at the same timing. Now what are the odds of that?
Of course, this will be a fairy tale if it end up that way. I found many things about Anne that still triggers my doubt on her. She still is affected by her ex boyfriend who dumped her 4 years ago in a 4 months relationship. She confessed to me on that. I went beserk again. Imagine, when I was about to go into this relationship, almost the time Frodo got a girlfriend, I was repelled by her shocking news. What happens to Max Muchacho after that?
Max Muchacho went into a depression state. I had not slept for three days straight in a row at that time. I talked to many friends about my confusion but I could not help wondering how I landed up like this. I have always been the friend or brother that have been helping people. When Frodo got a girlfriend and others moving on with their lives, I was left with myself to deal with. The vision of myself strike down so hard on me especially when I realized that I had gone through a lot lately. A lot of problems had gone through in my life and the idea of myself in existence is a total shame. I cried continuously. A 33 year old man crying. That is a joke right? It happened. In view of that, I have problems in handling it and come to an extent I make several mistakes in hurting some friends feelings for making wild accussations of their betrayal to my friendship and so forth. These are all uncontrollable issues that I was going through during my depression. Why do I have to react that way? Of course, that is because no one can help me as how I help others sincerely. No one actually know me. Yes, there are best buddies like, dancer, sexy mama, my younger brother Frodo, Mar, Raj and many more to give me a listening ear to all my problems.
If only life is that simple. Their advice are great. Good advices for me to heed. However the sadness still creeps up in my heart. Seeing people in love makes me hate my life further. I questioned God on why is "He" punishing me in this way, deviating me from ever experiencing any real love? I swore to myself many times, hitting my head to ease my suffering, cursed myself and even felt like jumping down but I am not that crazy. I cant help it if the thought came by. Thank God for my sanity, I did not follow it.
Now...I have to move on. All of my friends are attached. I am alone. Anne is still taking to me as friends. We are still trying to figure out our feelings for each other. That is yet to be determined till further notice. I recovered quickly with the help of Dancer and Raj. They opened up my mindset on thinking of my happiness and letting go of my sadness. They told me to start thinking of my welfare and do that first before putting everyone's welfare first. Perhaps this is what God wants me to do now. I cannot be possibly start thinking for Frodo's life always especially though he is my younger brother. He already has a girlfriend and he have to step on his two feet from now on. I cannot start thinking of Dancer of his financial crisis or Raj on his current girlfriend issues or sexy mama on her life and many more. I have to think of myself from now onwards. I am scared that all these people will just forget about me though. What will ever happen to me by than? An old man working and in the end putting my wealth in a hospital to take care of when I grow old and die there? Will God end my life now to end my sufferring? I guess God wants me to deal with this personal test deeply. I have no choice but to live.
I keep seeing the times I spend with my friends in the past. I hate to see it go away and wither away till I grow old. I see Frodo, moving on with his life and perhaps forgotten about me in the near future. I see Dancer migrating to other country and losing touch. I see Raj and Sexy Mama having their equal fare share of life. I fear that I will be left to rot with my wasted life. May Allah help me.
If God wants me to be alone..than be it. If God wants me to settle down, than be it.
We will see how this goes from now on. I have to concentrate on my studies too. May Allah bless me from now on. If I can handle this and be stronger than before, I will be indeed the strongest person in the whole planet. If God wills it.
Before I start my sad story, I will introduce some lyrics from the song. Parts of the Lyrics Chorus, mentioned these beautiful word. They are as follows :
----------------------------------------------------------------
Mata Temu Mata
Berguguran Bicara
Kata demi kata
Merubah tutur jadi rasa
Hanya Keasyikan pada kewujudannya
NAfas dan nadi bak terhenti
Petermuan ini kian terasa bagai bererti...
---
---
Tak Pernah kurasa
Sentuhan luar biasa
bagai dalam mimpi
atau seakan telah terjadi
aku yang terpisah
kembali bersatu jiwa
bagai telah diijabkabulkan
pertemuan ini
apakah berakhir di syurga....
which means,
When eyes meet the eyes
It devastates the conversation,
Word after words,
change the conversation to feelings,
Only Concentration to her presence,
Breathing and nerves never stopped running
The meeting is beginning to be of some meaning...
----
----
Never have I felt
The mysterious touch
its like a dream
or has it happened already
I am the one that was separated
coming back united in one soul together
its like being married
This meeting, will it end in heaven?
----------------------------------------------------------------
What lovely words, I may say always. These are the words of those who are in love. Yes, and that is the thing that is bugging me now. The story started after I met a very patient, sincere and beautiful lady known as Anne. She opens up my heart which was concealed for a long time ever since I broke off my engagement three years ago.
I met her through online. Yes, I know some of you do not believe in internet dating but hey, love comes in a mysterious manners. It has finally arrived in the electronic world for me. I give it a shot. I met her. I went on for two dates after knowing her for about two months. All is fine but there is this dark secret within me that fear commitment after all these time. The thought of not making through to marriage strikes worries in my heart. Questions like, " is she the one? , is she going to be my wife? , does she love me truly? , will she wait for me? and the best....do I love her that much to be her husband? ".
It was hell...The outcome made me into a person with insomnia. I cannot sleep at night. I stayed awake throught the night and kept thinking and searching my feelings thoroughly. I have to settle this quickly before I jump into this relationship. The best thing about her is that she is very patient with me. She spend my birthday by treating me to a birthday dinner treat and gave me a present. It was so nice of her. All was well.
New Year's eve arrived. Frodo's got a girlfriend on this day and it was a whole new world for him. He is deeply in love with the girlfriend. The funny thing about this is that I got to know Anne roughly during the same period as Frodo and if I were to go on with Anne, it will be a dream come true. Both brothers getting girlfriends at the same timing. Now what are the odds of that?
Of course, this will be a fairy tale if it end up that way. I found many things about Anne that still triggers my doubt on her. She still is affected by her ex boyfriend who dumped her 4 years ago in a 4 months relationship. She confessed to me on that. I went beserk again. Imagine, when I was about to go into this relationship, almost the time Frodo got a girlfriend, I was repelled by her shocking news. What happens to Max Muchacho after that?
Max Muchacho went into a depression state. I had not slept for three days straight in a row at that time. I talked to many friends about my confusion but I could not help wondering how I landed up like this. I have always been the friend or brother that have been helping people. When Frodo got a girlfriend and others moving on with their lives, I was left with myself to deal with. The vision of myself strike down so hard on me especially when I realized that I had gone through a lot lately. A lot of problems had gone through in my life and the idea of myself in existence is a total shame. I cried continuously. A 33 year old man crying. That is a joke right? It happened. In view of that, I have problems in handling it and come to an extent I make several mistakes in hurting some friends feelings for making wild accussations of their betrayal to my friendship and so forth. These are all uncontrollable issues that I was going through during my depression. Why do I have to react that way? Of course, that is because no one can help me as how I help others sincerely. No one actually know me. Yes, there are best buddies like, dancer, sexy mama, my younger brother Frodo, Mar, Raj and many more to give me a listening ear to all my problems.
If only life is that simple. Their advice are great. Good advices for me to heed. However the sadness still creeps up in my heart. Seeing people in love makes me hate my life further. I questioned God on why is "He" punishing me in this way, deviating me from ever experiencing any real love? I swore to myself many times, hitting my head to ease my suffering, cursed myself and even felt like jumping down but I am not that crazy. I cant help it if the thought came by. Thank God for my sanity, I did not follow it.
Now...I have to move on. All of my friends are attached. I am alone. Anne is still taking to me as friends. We are still trying to figure out our feelings for each other. That is yet to be determined till further notice. I recovered quickly with the help of Dancer and Raj. They opened up my mindset on thinking of my happiness and letting go of my sadness. They told me to start thinking of my welfare and do that first before putting everyone's welfare first. Perhaps this is what God wants me to do now. I cannot be possibly start thinking for Frodo's life always especially though he is my younger brother. He already has a girlfriend and he have to step on his two feet from now on. I cannot start thinking of Dancer of his financial crisis or Raj on his current girlfriend issues or sexy mama on her life and many more. I have to think of myself from now onwards. I am scared that all these people will just forget about me though. What will ever happen to me by than? An old man working and in the end putting my wealth in a hospital to take care of when I grow old and die there? Will God end my life now to end my sufferring? I guess God wants me to deal with this personal test deeply. I have no choice but to live.
I keep seeing the times I spend with my friends in the past. I hate to see it go away and wither away till I grow old. I see Frodo, moving on with his life and perhaps forgotten about me in the near future. I see Dancer migrating to other country and losing touch. I see Raj and Sexy Mama having their equal fare share of life. I fear that I will be left to rot with my wasted life. May Allah help me.
If God wants me to be alone..than be it. If God wants me to settle down, than be it.
We will see how this goes from now on. I have to concentrate on my studies too. May Allah bless me from now on. If I can handle this and be stronger than before, I will be indeed the strongest person in the whole planet. If God wills it.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Broken Relations
This is a sensitive topic to discuss. However, I shall attempt to talk about it especially when I realized that there are many people who are not aware of it's realities. I am sure that most of us had gone through countless relationship before we find the right partner in life. Well, unfortunately, not everyone is lucky.
The idea of losing someone you love so much in life can be very degrading to anyone. Are we even impervious to fear that we tend to neglect the truth of the story? There are people in the world who have yet to overcome a certain type of trauma in their life. I can name a few, the post traumatic experiences of War, Natural Disaster and so forth but what can be devastating than losing someone whom you love to another person? I will always think that the latter costs lesser pain than the first but who am I to judge people who are going through a horrible experience as such?
We are not perfect. That is the symbolic nature of any human being. Let us talk about the topic on post traumatic experience of a break up. I have several experiences to relate to here but let us make it general. People fall in love when they find the chemistry within themselves easily. Oh well, it is always a good feeling to go "Ga Ga" over the opposite side and let yourself afloat on air many times when you go on dates with her or him. The relationship may take a while to endure. Some go on dates for as long as 8 years ever since school time. Oh dear, that is something I never did before and I got to give my thumbs up to them. Some even go on dates for four months until when something not right strike to their heart, they broke off.
Well, these idea seems easy and it looks like a typical soap opera movie in television. However, how are they handling it? I know some may take years to overcome their depression over the matter? Some, I heard, took a short period of time to move on. My concerns are more of those who are unable to move on after a break up. Hey, I have problems dealing with a break up too and that did not make me a superman in any way.
Just look at this in another point. Why do we need to suffer so much just to hang on to a past that is not meant to stay? Yes, the feelings are still strong, the memories are too fond to be forgotten and the experience of being together once was enticingly fantastic. Reality check. It is over. Get on with it. Ok here's a stupid theory that I think it will work for some but not all. Leave it a week or a month (maximum) to get over this. For the ladies and the men too, cry as much as you can if you still think that you love the other person. Than, find another partner and move on. If you are still single, go and party to the maximum. God is fair. I am sure there are better partners whom we will meet in due time which will end up in a wed-lock.
Even so, why do we need to ponder on something which is not worth thinking about? Do not let emotions handle your perceptions of the problem. Put it this way,whether it is the man's fault or the woman's fault, when a decision is made to part, we have to find our inner strength to move on. It is beserk. I understand and you are not alone. Everybody is going through that once in a while. Be optimistic. Life goes on.
For those who are suffering out of a relationship now, a personal advice from myself who had gone through it before, stop killing yourself by hanging to it. Move on. There will always be a blessing in disguise for every problem we face.
To conclude, everybody now may think that, I am just full of crap in writing such a blog. Hey, put it this way, I may be wrong but it is for the best. The one thing I learn about being in love and out of love is to keep on finding love though it may not happen permanently in your life. When we found one, treasure it, remember your priorities and enjoy life. Do not just discard what you have currently when you pursue your "love" because if it fumbled one day, you will have nothing to hook upon to. Only god knows. Adios.
The idea of losing someone you love so much in life can be very degrading to anyone. Are we even impervious to fear that we tend to neglect the truth of the story? There are people in the world who have yet to overcome a certain type of trauma in their life. I can name a few, the post traumatic experiences of War, Natural Disaster and so forth but what can be devastating than losing someone whom you love to another person? I will always think that the latter costs lesser pain than the first but who am I to judge people who are going through a horrible experience as such?
We are not perfect. That is the symbolic nature of any human being. Let us talk about the topic on post traumatic experience of a break up. I have several experiences to relate to here but let us make it general. People fall in love when they find the chemistry within themselves easily. Oh well, it is always a good feeling to go "Ga Ga" over the opposite side and let yourself afloat on air many times when you go on dates with her or him. The relationship may take a while to endure. Some go on dates for as long as 8 years ever since school time. Oh dear, that is something I never did before and I got to give my thumbs up to them. Some even go on dates for four months until when something not right strike to their heart, they broke off.
Well, these idea seems easy and it looks like a typical soap opera movie in television. However, how are they handling it? I know some may take years to overcome their depression over the matter? Some, I heard, took a short period of time to move on. My concerns are more of those who are unable to move on after a break up. Hey, I have problems dealing with a break up too and that did not make me a superman in any way.
Just look at this in another point. Why do we need to suffer so much just to hang on to a past that is not meant to stay? Yes, the feelings are still strong, the memories are too fond to be forgotten and the experience of being together once was enticingly fantastic. Reality check. It is over. Get on with it. Ok here's a stupid theory that I think it will work for some but not all. Leave it a week or a month (maximum) to get over this. For the ladies and the men too, cry as much as you can if you still think that you love the other person. Than, find another partner and move on. If you are still single, go and party to the maximum. God is fair. I am sure there are better partners whom we will meet in due time which will end up in a wed-lock.
Even so, why do we need to ponder on something which is not worth thinking about? Do not let emotions handle your perceptions of the problem. Put it this way,whether it is the man's fault or the woman's fault, when a decision is made to part, we have to find our inner strength to move on. It is beserk. I understand and you are not alone. Everybody is going through that once in a while. Be optimistic. Life goes on.
For those who are suffering out of a relationship now, a personal advice from myself who had gone through it before, stop killing yourself by hanging to it. Move on. There will always be a blessing in disguise for every problem we face.
To conclude, everybody now may think that, I am just full of crap in writing such a blog. Hey, put it this way, I may be wrong but it is for the best. The one thing I learn about being in love and out of love is to keep on finding love though it may not happen permanently in your life. When we found one, treasure it, remember your priorities and enjoy life. Do not just discard what you have currently when you pursue your "love" because if it fumbled one day, you will have nothing to hook upon to. Only god knows. Adios.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Supplication To The Almighty
This is a song from Sami Yusuf..It is a good supplication prayers for those who are in desperate need for guidance. May Allah bless us all..
" Allahumma SalliAllah Saiyidina Muhammadiminnabiyil ummiyyi wa Allah Allihii Wasabbihii Wassallim..
Oh My Lord, my sins are like the highest mountains. My Good Deeds are very few. They are like a small pebble..I turn to you..My heart full of shame..My eyes full of tears..Bestow your forgiveness and mercy upon me.
Ya Allah. Send your peace and blessings on the Final Prophet and his family and companion and those who follow him. "
May Allah make me choose the best path for my life..
" Allahumma SalliAllah Saiyidina Muhammadiminnabiyil ummiyyi wa Allah Allihii Wasabbihii Wassallim..
Oh My Lord, my sins are like the highest mountains. My Good Deeds are very few. They are like a small pebble..I turn to you..My heart full of shame..My eyes full of tears..Bestow your forgiveness and mercy upon me.
Ya Allah. Send your peace and blessings on the Final Prophet and his family and companion and those who follow him. "
May Allah make me choose the best path for my life..
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