Di Puncak Tertinggi - At The Highest Peak

I was listening to the Puteri Gunung Ledang Musical CD song, known as "Di Puncak Tertinggi - At The Highest Peak" and I am very much hypnotized by it as it covers some mystical Javanese Traditional Rythms. Why do I do this now? Actually, I have gone through a state of depression for this past one week. Why is that so? I shall tell you later part in the blog.

Before I start my sad story, I will introduce some lyrics from the song. Parts of the Lyrics Chorus, mentioned these beautiful word. They are as follows :

----------------------------------------------------------------

Mata Temu Mata
Berguguran Bicara
Kata demi kata
Merubah tutur jadi rasa
Hanya Keasyikan pada kewujudannya
NAfas dan nadi bak terhenti
Petermuan ini kian terasa bagai bererti...
---
---
Tak Pernah kurasa
Sentuhan luar biasa
bagai dalam mimpi
atau seakan telah terjadi
aku yang terpisah
kembali bersatu jiwa
bagai telah diijabkabulkan

pertemuan ini
apakah berakhir di syurga....


which means,

When eyes meet the eyes
It devastates the conversation,
Word after words,
change the conversation to feelings,
Only Concentration to her presence,
Breathing and nerves never stopped running
The meeting is beginning to be of some meaning...
----
----
Never have I felt
The mysterious touch
its like a dream
or has it happened already
I am the one that was separated
coming back united in one soul together
its like being married

This meeting, will it end in heaven?

----------------------------------------------------------------

What lovely words, I may say always. These are the words of those who are in love. Yes, and that is the thing that is bugging me now. The story started after I met a very patient, sincere and beautiful lady known as Anne. She opens up my heart which was concealed for a long time ever since I broke off my engagement three years ago.

I met her through online. Yes, I know some of you do not believe in internet dating but hey, love comes in a mysterious manners. It has finally arrived in the electronic world for me. I give it a shot. I met her. I went on for two dates after knowing her for about two months. All is fine but there is this dark secret within me that fear commitment after all these time. The thought of not making through to marriage strikes worries in my heart. Questions like, " is she the one? , is she going to be my wife? , does she love me truly? , will she wait for me? and the best....do I love her that much to be her husband? ".

It was hell...The outcome made me into a person with insomnia. I cannot sleep at night. I stayed awake throught the night and kept thinking and searching my feelings thoroughly. I have to settle this quickly before I jump into this relationship. The best thing about her is that she is very patient with me. She spend my birthday by treating me to a birthday dinner treat and gave me a present. It was so nice of her. All was well.

New Year's eve arrived. Frodo's got a girlfriend on this day and it was a whole new world for him. He is deeply in love with the girlfriend. The funny thing about this is that I got to know Anne roughly during the same period as Frodo and if I were to go on with Anne, it will be a dream come true. Both brothers getting girlfriends at the same timing. Now what are the odds of that?

Of course, this will be a fairy tale if it end up that way. I found many things about Anne that still triggers my doubt on her. She still is affected by her ex boyfriend who dumped her 4 years ago in a 4 months relationship. She confessed to me on that. I went beserk again. Imagine, when I was about to go into this relationship, almost the time Frodo got a girlfriend, I was repelled by her shocking news. What happens to Max Muchacho after that?

Max Muchacho went into a depression state. I had not slept for three days straight in a row at that time. I talked to many friends about my confusion but I could not help wondering how I landed up like this. I have always been the friend or brother that have been helping people. When Frodo got a girlfriend and others moving on with their lives, I was left with myself to deal with. The vision of myself strike down so hard on me especially when I realized that I had gone through a lot lately. A lot of problems had gone through in my life and the idea of myself in existence is a total shame. I cried continuously. A 33 year old man crying. That is a joke right? It happened. In view of that, I have problems in handling it and come to an extent I make several mistakes in hurting some friends feelings for making wild accussations of their betrayal to my friendship and so forth. These are all uncontrollable issues that I was going through during my depression. Why do I have to react that way? Of course, that is because no one can help me as how I help others sincerely. No one actually know me. Yes, there are best buddies like, dancer, sexy mama, my younger brother Frodo, Mar, Raj and many more to give me a listening ear to all my problems.

If only life is that simple. Their advice are great. Good advices for me to heed. However the sadness still creeps up in my heart. Seeing people in love makes me hate my life further. I questioned God on why is "He" punishing me in this way, deviating me from ever experiencing any real love? I swore to myself many times, hitting my head to ease my suffering, cursed myself and even felt like jumping down but I am not that crazy. I cant help it if the thought came by. Thank God for my sanity, I did not follow it.

Now...I have to move on. All of my friends are attached. I am alone. Anne is still taking to me as friends. We are still trying to figure out our feelings for each other. That is yet to be determined till further notice. I recovered quickly with the help of Dancer and Raj. They opened up my mindset on thinking of my happiness and letting go of my sadness. They told me to start thinking of my welfare and do that first before putting everyone's welfare first. Perhaps this is what God wants me to do now. I cannot be possibly start thinking for Frodo's life always especially though he is my younger brother. He already has a girlfriend and he have to step on his two feet from now on. I cannot start thinking of Dancer of his financial crisis or Raj on his current girlfriend issues or sexy mama on her life and many more. I have to think of myself from now onwards. I am scared that all these people will just forget about me though. What will ever happen to me by than? An old man working and in the end putting my wealth in a hospital to take care of when I grow old and die there? Will God end my life now to end my sufferring? I guess God wants me to deal with this personal test deeply. I have no choice but to live.

I keep seeing the times I spend with my friends in the past. I hate to see it go away and wither away till I grow old. I see Frodo, moving on with his life and perhaps forgotten about me in the near future. I see Dancer migrating to other country and losing touch. I see Raj and Sexy Mama having their equal fare share of life. I fear that I will be left to rot with my wasted life. May Allah help me.

If God wants me to be alone..than be it. If God wants me to settle down, than be it.

We will see how this goes from now on. I have to concentrate on my studies too. May Allah bless me from now on. If I can handle this and be stronger than before, I will be indeed the strongest person in the whole planet. If God wills it.